At one point or another, everyone experiences self doubt. Unfortunately, for some, self doubt is a daily occurrence. When self doubt becomes a habitual belief, our lives become negatively impacted by the constant questioning of our abilities.
Our bodies and minds tense and freeze as a result of the self-doubt, and we might not even realize it. That is because self doubt isn't always acted out in a clear and obvious manner. Self doubt can show up in various forms, and often manifests in our lives as imposter syndrome, perfectionism, or harsh criticism. The reality is, self doubt causes us suffering because it is an act of undermining our very life by giving our power away. And while that sounds less than ideal, the good news is that self doubt is just a pattern of thinking. As such, it can be changed.
By bringing awareness to these chronic beliefs, we can come to work with the thoughts of self-doubt and transmute them into self confidence.
As said above, self doubt is just a pattern of belief, but that doesn't mean it isn't harmless. When left unchecked, it can keep us stuck in old patterns and unhealthy beliefs. Self doubt will drain us of the confidence needed to step out into the unknown and take action towards living the life you desire. It can keep us from the job we want, or the relationship we want, or the living situation we want, all because a lack of self belief. It can also manifest into chronic stress, anxiety, and overwhelm.
So how do we change self doubt into self confidence?
First, it is important to highlight one of the most common ways that we act out self-doubt, and that is through negative self talk. Negative self talk is the constant narration in our heads telling us that we are wrong. That what we are doing is wrong. That what ew are saying is wrong. That how we look is wrong. That how we sound is wrong. It is the voice that says we're going to mess up, or that we're not good enough, or that we're an idiot, or a fake, or not talented enough. It is the voice that criticizes what we did or said, and has us second guess our actions and abilities. It is the voice that leads to rumination on past shortcomings and reminds us of that one time in elementary school where we "messed up" and were made fun of, or laughed at, or punished.
It is imperative to become well acquainted with this voice, even become friends with it (more on that later), if we want to illicit positive change in our self belief. So we start first with recognizing that there is a voice constantly narrating our experience, and that the voice tends to lean on the negative side. But instead of getting angry with this voice, we (matter of factly) recognize it as a thought. Just a thought, nothing more.
Now, I know you might be saying something like, "sure, whatever you say", or "if it were that easy, then I would", or even "its more than a thought, it's real", and I just want to say that those thoughts are totally valid, and I can relate. Shifting our perspective to seeing thoughts as nothing more than a thought — a coming and going mental phenomena — is not necessarily easy (at all). It is quite radical too. It is also important to remember that these walls of doubt and uncertainty are only walls because they have become familiar attitudes via beliefs.
Earlier I mentioned how we don't want to get angry with this voice, but rather become friends with it, and that is because it is much easier to work with a friend than an enemy. What I mean is that when we get angry with our self doubt, we only alienate and separate the voice. This only makes the self doubting narrative louder. It becomes louder because we amplify it, and we amplify it because we place our focus on the very parts that we don't like. Instead of putting our energy into accepting that the voice is here, and working with it, we put our energy into the parts we don't want.
As the saying goes, "where focus goes, energy flows". (I know the saying is cliche, but I think someone once said that cliches are cliches for a reason. I also realize the irony of using a cliche to justify cliches).
6 Tips for Moving Beyond Self-Doubt
To start building self belief, you need to first put some space between yourself and the negative self talk. You can do this by teaching yourself the following:
1) Disrupt the Negative Self Talk
In order to work with the self doubt, we need to bring our attention to the self doubt (yah, duh). A good way to do this is by setting an intention to watch your attitude. Every morning, maybe with your coffee, or during your shower, or when you brush your teeth, or put your shoes on, set an intention to watch your attitude throughout the day. Then, support this intention by setting hourly check-in times throughout your day to notice your attitude and experiences related to your actions. Notice what thoughts are present, and what thoughts have been present, and reflect on how you have responded to your tasks and interactions over the past hour.
It's possible that, when doing so, you might find yourself spiraling in self doubt, caught in the stories of negative self talk. If this happens, allow yourself to bring yourself back into the present moment through one of the following four anchors.
Breath: Recognize the inflow and out flow of your breath. Focus on the sensation of the rise and fall of your belly while you take slow, full breaths in and out.
Body: Feel the ground underneath your feet. Notice the contact points between your body and the surface holding you up. Bring awareness to the sensation in your hands, maybe even into your heartbeat.
Senses: Notice the sounds around you as they rise and fall. Recognize the sounds furthest away, and the sounds closest to you.
Mantra: Use a word or saying, such as: "I am here, I am safe", or "Breathing in, I am here. Breathing out, I am here", or simply "let go", to bring you back into the present moment.
Once you have brought yourself back into the present moment, you can move forward to...
2) Creating a Mindset of Calm
So, here is the thing, you're going to bring yourself back into the present moment, and then thoughts are going to pull you back out. That's okay. That is just part of the practice. To build greater resilience of our mind, we want to create a mindset of calm. Here are three steps to decrease stress and cultivate a mindset of calm.
Tune into the levels of stress that you are experiencing in your life right now. It is important to note that not all stress is bad. You stress helps you act and get things done. Though negative stress, such as bad sleep, bad digestion, procrastination, and irritability will only increase your stress.
Look at the factors contributing to your stress. After tuning into your levels and experiences of stress, you want to become curious with what factors might be contributing to your stress. There are many factors that can contribute to the significance of your stress, such as, loss of job, financial hardships, relational hardships, loss, grief, uncomfortable or unsafe living situation, and more. It is important that you take notice of any factors
Cultivate Equanimity. Equanimity can be understood as a balanced state of mind. It is the ability to see what is going on without being swept away by the thoughts. With equanimity, you are able to observe life from a place of grounded awareness and choose the best path.
Before cultivating equanimity, it is important first to see how you might be living outside of equanimity. If you find yourself suppressing or putting aside emotions, becoming over-identified with difficult thoughts or feelings, fixating on controlling situations, or reacting out of emotion, these are ways that you live outside of equanimity.
In order to cultivate equanimity, you need to be willing to feel your experience without becoming over-identified with the experience. By observing what you're feeling and letting go of the judgments that may arise, you can simply experience the self doubting thoughts that are present. Then you can come to replace the negative self talk with an attitude of gentle acceptance and kind-heartedness.
3) Noticing the Negative Bias of the Brain
When working with self-doubt, it is very important to remember that you are not the cause and creator of the self doubt.
Due to the evolutionary process of humans, we all have a negativity bias. Because of this, negative thinking often leads to more negative thinking due to the neural pathways created by the repetition of thinking. You can think of the brain as being velcro for negative thoughts and teflon for positive thoughts — meaning it is going to take more effort to build positive thought than to feed negative thought.
When you find yourself in negative self thought, you can:
Pause
Pay attention to where your thoughts go after the initial thought. Are they feeding the initial thought? Are the escalating it?
Remember the intention of cultivating equanimity. If you can sit with the thought and not react, you can sit with the discomfort of the thought and choose your response.
When you stop resisting the difficult thoughts, they no longer are something to be feared and you can place your energy into actions that will benefit your life.
One of the ways you can place energy into actions that will benefit your life is by setting an intention to turn your mind to the positive so that you build new neural pathways of positive thinking. You can do this by taking time to notice and savoring the good things in your day and in yourself.
4) Cultivate Self Compassion
The reality is that even though you are aware of the negativity bias, and how to cultivate equanimity and a mind of calm, feelings of frustration will arise. Negative self talk will still arise, and you will still find moments when you get caught in the thoughts. It is for this reason that cultivating self compassion is key to self confidence.
Through the practice of self compassion, you come to understand it is normal to make mistakes, that life will have challenges, and that we are all imperfect. Self compassion allows you to be self reliant and resilient by meeting yourself and your experiences with an open kindness and understanding.
A simple way you can come to cultivate self compassion is through the use of a soothing touch. When you find yourself caught in self-doubt and negative self thinking, come to bring a hand to your heart, or your belly, or a soft stroke to your arm or your hand. Let the touch be full of care and love, like that you would give to someone you love deeply — a pet, or child, or companion.
5) Focus on Strengths to Build Self Belief
Our strengths define what are best about each of us on an individual level. As such, the more you recognize and deploy your strengths, the greater your self belief grows.
The catch is that (quite often) we take our strengths for granted because they come so naturally. It is a weird phenomena, we tend to overlook the things that come easy to us, even if they are the source of our power. So here is a way you can build self belief:
First, list out all of your strengths. Don't be shy, just let yourself list away. Even if you are hesitant, put it down in your list.
Next, choose 1 strength to proactively highlight. Write it down on a post it, put it in your phone, set an alarm to remind yourself throughout your day.
After choosing a strength to highlight, pay attention to how you feel when you use the strength. Are you excited? Energized? Focused? Empowered? Are there any harsh judgments? If so, how often do they come up and how much time do you spend with them?
Finally, pay attention to the positive qualities in yourself. Let yourself bring awareness to your positive qualities when you're brushing your teeth, or washing your hair, or every time you get up from your desk, or open a door. Take a moment to reflect on your positive qualities
Your positive qualities don't have to be some grandiose, "I solved world hunger", type of thing. It can be how you hold the door open for strangers, or smiled at the barista who made your coffee, or how you care for the safety and wellbeing for your loved ones. There are so many positive qualities to find when you let yourself see them.
By noticing your strengths, you start proactively seeing the reasons you can trust yourself. As you actively acknowledge these strengths, you then build new neural pathways that promote self confidence. Through the new neural pathways come more consistent positive thinking which in turn builds a brand new concept of who you are to you.
6) Actively Acknowledge Reasons to Trust Yourself
As stated earlier, the brain has a negativity bias. As such, it will err on the side of what is wrong rather than what is right. That means, when dealing with self doubt, it will tell you all the reasons not to trust yourself, rather than all the reasons you should trust yourself. But as mentioned above, by noticing your strengths, you can build new neural pathways that in turn promote a new concept of who you are.
Another way to promote and enhance this new concept of self confidence and positive self belief is to actively acknowledge reasons to trust yourself. You can do this through the following exercise.
Create an ongoing list where everyday you write down three reasons you can trust yourself.
List some examples to go along with each way you can trust yourself.
Every day, read through your list, reminding yourself of the ways you can trust yourself, and then add more
After a few days, you might find that it is hard to think up new ways of trusting yourself. Don't worry, this is not the moment of lamenting, but rather the moment where the magic happens. When you come to the point of difficulty, your mind is forced to stretch and flex. Like building a muscle, your mind grows as does your understanding of who you are and the many ways you can trust yourself.